eff me sometimes computers are a pain in the ass.  i’ve been effing with my rig for about 2 weeks now, and i’m just now finally getting it where i need it to be.  the only thing left to do is to figure out how to get the friggin surround sound to work on windows 7.  i’m hoping that the official upgrade to non-RC will fix that.  at this point, the worst case scenario is that i’ll have to uninstall the sound card, take out the sound card and then re-install it so that i can hear my porn in all of it’s 5.1 surround sound glory.  of course, that means unhooking all the devices and rehooking them every time i have eff with a PCI card.  why am i telling you this?  just to let you know why my picks have been so late the last couple of weeks.  it’s hard to concentrate on football when i don’t get my fill of lolcats and lindsay lohan gossip.  although you wouldn’t know since i kicked total ass last week.

for the second time this season, i hit a 3 leg and a 4 leg parlay, not to mention the great moneyline bet on the bills.  it figures that the week before and the week after i’m in vegas i would be so good.  FML.  we should also note that helene is back on the right side of .500, having only one losing week so far.  and we should also note that fredo had what i like to call an ” ‘erik’ week” last week.  ”erik” on the other hand just continues to lick balls at this thing, while eric has become the houston texans of this little game of ours as i just can’t figure him out.  whatevs.  helene, you better watch me like south korea is watching those north korean missile test, with great fear and trepidation.  on with the show!  number’s from caesars and home team in caps.

BAL (-3.5) over den, o/u – 41.5, ravens (-180) broncos (+160)
on the one hand you have the broncos coming off a bye week and good teams always seem to play well with an extra week of rest. on the other hand you have what we thought was a good ravens team that is desperate not to lose 4 in a row. and as bono says, desperation is a tender trap. but bono would be wrong in this case.

CHI (-13.5) over cle, o/u – 40, bears (off) browns (off)
ughhh. as much as i hate to take the underachieving bears and their qb, douchey bagson, the browns have proven to have a whole lot of nothing. derek anderson should send jamarcus russell a muffin basket because were it not for russell’s trbl-ness, we’d all notice just how shitty derek anderson and his wide goatee are playing.

BUF (+3) over hou, o/u – 41.5, bills (+150) texans (-170)
this is what i can tell you about this game. 1) we should thank the city of buffalo for making one of the greatest snack foods of all time, the buffalo wing. 2) houston has just as bad as traffic as LA, except with a lot more humidity. like i said, the texans are a puzzle wrapped in an enigma, shrouded in mystery, lightly breaded with panko bread crumbs, served with a sweet and spicy sauce, that may or may not be any good.

min (+3) over GB, o/u – 47.5, vikings (+160) packers (-180)
favre favre favre favre favre favre favre packers not that good favre favre favre favre sucks to live in wisconsin favre favre favre favre favre cheese is overrated favre favre favre favre brett is a sorry summbitch favre favre favre eric must be secretly crying on the inside favre favre.

IND (-12.5) over sfo, o/u – 44.5, colts (-800) niners (+550)
come on people. are we really that excited about the return of alex smith? does anyone remember why he was benched in the first place? i’m supposed to believe that because he’s being given a second chance that he’s gonna be all super-mormon all of sudden. talent wins in this league. also, beating the niners must be bittersweet for penis nose since the frisco franchise of Interceptions is one of the most successful.

NYJ (-3) over mia, o/u – 40.5, jets (-175) dolphins (+155)
ah hell, i guess if anyone can figure out how to contain the wildcat it’s rex ryan. also, matt sanchez, although you looked great last week, i’m still a little sensitive about our breakup and i need some more time before we can start seeing each other again. things with tom brady have been going really well these last two weeks and i think i owe it to myself to see how things turn out with him. i hope you understand.

DET (-4) over stl, o/u 44, lions (-220) rams (+180)
what do you get when you combine detroit and st. louis? 1 win and a whole lot of black people.

DAL (-9.5) over sea, o/u – 45.5, cowboys (-450) seahawks (+325)
everyone’s happy in big d, now that miles austin has turned out to be super happy fun good. but believe me, there’s plenty of time for this team to disappoint this year. i’d take the points normally except the vegas injury report says this for the seahawks reads “tatupu – out; multiple offensive line injuries”. never a good thing.

SDO (-16.5) over oak, o/u – 41.5, chargers (off) raiders (off)
ladies and gentlemen, your first 16 point line in 10 years. dammit, those points are hard to resist. but until the raiders can score more than one touchdown in a game, i’m out.

TEN (-3) over jax, o/u – 44.5, titans (-160) jaguars (+140)
here’s the deal about vince young. was he ever really that bad? i know he’s crazy and a crybaby and all, but he’s 18-11 as a starter. this is a much better situation than the alex smith situation. why the difference in media perception? my guess rhymes with “because he’s black”.

ARI (-10) over car, o/u – 41.5, cardinals (-500) panthers (+350)
i, like many other football pundits discounted the cardinals this year. it’s clear that we underestimated the effects of a clean living quarterback and the power of jesus h. christ.

nyg (-1) over PHI, o/u – 44, giants (off) eagles (off)
the combination of the line being off and the fishy point spread would keep me away from this game. also the two crappy franchises involved would also keep me away.

NO (-10.5) over atl, o/u 54.5, saints (-550) falcons (+375)
do you think that if the cards played the saints that kurt warner would lose on purpose because the saints were vessels of jesus’ message and his love? just wondering. last’s week escape from miami makes me not want to bet against the saints.

p.s. favre favre favre happy halloween favre favre

Don't cry for me Green Bay Wisconsin, the truth is I only left because of money...