sometimes i really kick ass. 7 for 7 in the morning games last week. uhh. too bad i wasn’t in vegas. there’s no worse feeling that having a parlay ticket that is already dead for the afternoon games. of course it would have sucked seeing as how i went 2 for 5 in the late games, but whatevs 7 for 7! uhh! that combined with a poor showing from our resident female, i’ve vaulted into first place in the overall standings. meanwhile fredo continues his rock solid bob bucks play and the lions and the packers still kinda suck.
anyways, i really hate the thursday game. i’ve never understood why football has to be played on any night except monday to be honest. don’t even get me started on the tuesday night college games. can anyone tell me why it just can’t be high school football on friday, college football on saturday, and pro football on sunday and monday? tell me, why is football better when it’s not like this? you just can’t. additionally, this forces me to get picks up on wednesday, which gives everyone else an unfair advantage in that there’s more time for line movement which i can’t take advantage of. damn you nfl, damn you to hell. anyways, on with the picks. as always, numbers from caesars, home team in all caps.
SFO (-3.5) over chi, o/u – 43.5, niners (-180) bears (+160)
the NFL network would have you believe that this is a big game because mike singletary is facing his old team, but the truth of the matter is, this game is jay cutler vs alex smith. pretty unexciting if you ask me. but in games with two black coaches facing each other, the home team has coverd 84% of the time. ok, so i just made up that last statistic. in other news, lovie smith’s kids are flourishing since the bears seem kinda hopeless now that their defense is terrrrrrrible. i don’t expect alex smith to have the same kind of success that kurt warner had last week since god is not with alex smith, but i think this one is a blowout.
jax (+7) over NYJ, o/u – 40, jaguars (+250) jets (-300)
dear matt sanchez, i know we had some good times and lord knows that i’m sexually attracted to you, but i just get the feeling you’re not ready to commit fully to a winning relationship with me the way tom brady has been. i just think you need time to grow up a little and you will see what it takes to be with me.
den (-3.5) over WAS, o/u – 37, broncos (-180) skins (+160)
seriously, what is up with this line? vegas apparently hates the broncos as i always feel they aren’t giving them enough respect, but come on, portis and cooley out?
PIT (-7) over cin, o/u – 41.5, steelers (-330) bengals (+250)
seems like this line should be smaller, but i think the steelers are doing that thing where they round into form late in the season and just go on a tear. plus it’s a home division game.
TEN (-6.5) over buf, o/u – 41, titans (-300) bills (+220)
seriously, that’s how bad kerry collins was. this team is a thousand times better with vince young starting. think about that.
MIN (-16.5) over det, o/u – 47, vikings (off) lions (off)
this line should be 20, but i think vegas got scared off some of the big lines after some of the dogs covered last week. and yes, i write this as part of a game capsule that features a 16.5 point line.
no (-13.5) over STL, o/u – 50, saints (off) rams (off)
another line that should be higher. thank god for the big three games (cin/pit, ind/ne, phi/sd) cuz pretty all of these other games are terrrrrrrrrible.
atl (-1.5) over CAR, o/u – 43.5, falcons (off) panthers (off)
vegas is trying to trick you here. don’t fall for it.
MIA (-9.5) over tam, o/u – 44, dolphins (-500) buccaneers (+350)
josh freeman looked good last week i thought. he made the tough throws that you need your qb to make. but on the road against a team that is so much better than their record? sorry josh, that’s how the NFL works.
kc (+1.5) over OAK, o/u – 36.5, chiefs (off) raiders (off)
we know that tom cable is a lousy husband since he probably beats women, which leads us to believe that he’s probably also a lousy father. yet oakland stinks. the exception that proves the rule? also, larry johnson’s latest tweet- 
sea (+8.5) over ARI, o/u – 47, seahawks (+300) cards (-400)
i still don’t get a good sense of how good the cards are this year. god works in mysterious ways.
SDO (-2.5) over phi, o/u – 47, chargers (-135) eagles (+115)
this line scares me. whatever the case, this game will be great because the teams are pretty evenly matched. they are also equally handicapped by two of the worst in game coaches in the history of football. norv vs. andy – it ain’t gonna be pretty. take the under here kids.
dal (-3) over GB, o/u – 47.5, cowboys (-155) packers (+135)
i personally think it was pretty genius of me to goad eric into making ridiculous claims about the packers and then have them fall flat on their faces in tampa bay. i know i’m jinxing it dammit, but i love this game. Big Bet.
IND (-3) over ne, o/u – 50, colts (-145) patriots (+125)
yes, this game is over-hyped because of the qbs, but the thing is, this game usually delivers. brady seems to be rounding into form, and sometime in the very near future, we have to talk about manning in the greatest qb of all time conversation, if for no other reason than not only is penis nose the qb, but he’s basically the offensive coordinator of this team too. i could go for either side in this game, the same way i could go for either side with tom brady.
bal (-11) over CLE, o/u – 40.5, ravens (-500) browns (+375)
well, this is a pretty anticlimactic ending to the week. instead of talking about the game, let’s talk about how terrible the sorry john gruden is as an announcer. and the clincher, he’ll be back on someone’s sideline next year, sparing all of us to death with that stupid glare of his.
Name: Bob
12 responses so far ↓
1 "LOU DOBBS NEW JOB" // Nov 12, 2009 at 12:26 pm
More later…
SFO (-3.5) over chi
I think Steve Bartman is playing defense for the Bears this year. That said, I’ll put some bob’s bucks on the bears to jinx myself. After all, merely saying “Steve Bartman” is enough to ruin your sports luck for a year.
$10 chi moneyline
2 quanimal // Nov 12, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Via Email, Fredo takes the niners in tonight’s game.
3 Eric // Nov 12, 2009 at 4:23 pm
CHI
4 quanimal // Nov 13, 2009 at 4:03 pm
helene also took SFO.
eric, what were you thinking?
5 "LOU DOBBS NEW JOB" // Nov 14, 2009 at 2:31 pm
This week is Heroes Who Let Us Down Week at football genius headquarters. It’s inspired by the new Boyz II Men album, “Love,” which is full of a lot of let-down. They’re covering Goo Goo Dolls songs on this album, folks. I’d have to say that they’re letting me down.
And I’ve been letting down my readers all season. I’m sorry. I know I’m a hero to so many of you. But this year, I’ve been off my game. That won’t stop this week, folks, so feel free to pick opposites of what I go with here.
jax (+7) over NYJ
Matt Sanchez has been letting Bob and his man-crush down for about 5 weeks in a row now.
den (-3.5) over WAS
The Redskins have been letting racism down all year, by sucking even more than their offensive mascot.
cin (+7) over PIT
Roethlesberger has a chance to become a hero to motorcyclists again this year. All he has to do is get in another horrible accident, then sleep with a hotel employee, and then lead his team to a super bowl victory. I’m guessing he’s going to let us down, though.
buf (+6.5) over TEN
Vince Young let himself down back in 2007, and now he’s suddenly better than Kerry Collins? Doubt it.
det (+16.5) over MIN
Speaking of heroes who let us down, Brett Favre.
no (-13.5) over STL
If the Rams hadn’t let LA down all those years ago, would they suck this bad now? Doubt it.
atl (-1.5) over CAR
Mike Vick let Atlanta down, and now they’re surging. Meanwhile, Jake Delhomme’s fan fully expects to be let down every week.
tam (+9.5) over MIA
The Wildcat is going to let us down this week.
OAK (-1.5) over kc
Puke. Bob, your cable company is going to let you down and force you to watch this game.
ARI (-8.5) over sea
Larry Fitzgerald has not let me down this year dammit.
phi (+2.5) over SDO
Norm! Stop letting LT down!
GB (+3) over dal
I had lunch with Fredo this week. It was pleasant, although his hands kept finding their way into my crotch. Anyway, I asked Fredo when Tony Romo was going to start letting him down. Fredo didn’t hesitate. “Week 10 in Green Bay. Definitely.” There you have it. BIG BET.
IND (-3) over ne
Will Penis Nose let us down? Or will Brady buckle under the pressure? I’m thinking there’s a tie here. Plus, Brett Favre shows up at halftime, and he lets us down.
CLE (+11) over bal
Barf. ESPN, you’re letting us all down.
BOB’S BUCKS
$10 no/stl OVER
$10 min/det UNDER
$10 ten/buf UNDER
$20 min/no/mia
$20 bal/ari/den
$20 pit/nyj/sdo
6 alfredo // Nov 14, 2009 at 11:29 pm
jax (+7) over NYJ
Dear Matt Sanchez,
We had some good times together, but now it’s time to move on. Frankly, I thought that this would be a lot more difficult…(Go to hell, Matt. Go to hell.)
den (-3.5) over WAS
This week on a very special “Brothers”:
J-Cam: Did you see Sammy Sosa’s new white face?
B-O-bomb: Yeah, so?
J-Cam: Well, I’ve been thinking. Maybe I’d be a better quarterback if I just bleached my skin a little. I don’t even have to be Peyton white. Hell, I’d settle for Romo light tan.
B-O-bomb: Jason, I can’t believe what I’m hearing. This face bleach shit…well, it’s a bunch of loser talk. You know that it’s how white you are on the inside that counts. You think if Joe Montana played in blackface that he wouldn’t have won four Super Bowls? That’s nonsense. He still would have played perfectly white and his teammates still would have loved him, highly offensive blackface and all. Now you go out there and play like the best damn black quarterback that I’ve ever had to share an apartment with.
J-Cam: Hey…
B-O (walking away): Yeah?
J-Cam: I love you…Dad.
B-O: I love you too, son. Now get some sleep.
Cin (+7) over PIT
I had lunch with Carson Palmer this week and came to the conclusion that it takes a special brand of assfuck to name his kid Carson.
TEN (-6.5) over buf
Jeff Fisher is a big fan of “Erik’s” regression to the mean theory. We were chasing pills with copious amounts of vodka this week and he told me, “Not to be cocky or anything, but that douchebag Erik is on to some shit here with that mean regression. You see, my mean is fucking sky high, so I am due to regress into the goddamn stratosphere. I’m about to win a shitload of games, chief, so strap up.” After that he passed out face first into my son’s potty seat. The guy is crying for help.
MIN (-16.5) over det
Speaking of popping pills, I enjoyed a night out with Brett Favre on Friday. We ended up wasted at a karaoke bar, when Brett was cajoled on stage to deliver on some Neil Diamond, when he lost his shit. “Is anyone going to pay me to sing Forever in Blue Jeans? How about Captain Sunshine? I only do shit for money! You hear me? MONEY! You motherfuckers just don’t fucking get it!” He was quickly ushered out of the bar, leaving me behind to apologize to my friends like the battered girlfriend. “He’s just been under a lot of stress lately,” I said, knowing damn well that the real problem is that he is the biggest whore in the history of American sports.
no (-13.5) over STL
If only Drew Brees were hot or had a penis for a nose. The guy needs a gimmick, like a shit smudge on his face or something.
atl (-1.5) over CAR
Damn you, Vegas. It’s the triple reverse trap. And yet, I am sucked in. Big bet.
MIA (-9.5) over tam
Like that wasn’t Tampa Bay’s Super Bowl last week.
OAK (-1.5) over kc
Bob, in defense of Tom Cable, I am pretty much positive that you can beat your wife and still be one hell of a good dad. At least that’s what I hear.
ARI (-8.5) over sea
I went to church with Kurt Warner this week and learned that I am on the Hell Express. Also, Kurt has magical powers that discourage gambling. You know, since God somehow hates gambling.
phi (+2.5) over SD
I’m just not buying the Chargers 100%. Then again, how can I trust a team that lost to Oakland? Stay away.
dal (-3) over GB
Captain Sunshine already ended Green Bay’s season a couple of weeks ago.
ne (+3) over IND
I had a quarterback round table with Thom Brady and Penisnose tonight. Here’s a few excerpts from the evening:
PM: I have so many trophies and everyone is coming around on me. Damn, I kick ass!
TB: I’m not even thinking about awards. (scoffs) I mean, what am I going to do with another Grammy?
PM: Pass the wine. I am getting hammered.
TB: (incredulous) You think that’s a good idea?
PM: It’s a night game. I have all day to sober up.
TB: I read some journalist recently lecturing the anti-globalisation lobby, saying, ‘This is the way capitalism works, all capitalism is exploitation and to make it try and do something else, it’s never gonna happen.’ And it’s like, yeah, but where does that leave us? This is somehow God’s will? All this? It’s God’s will that we sit in traffic? It’s God’s will that millions of people are gonna die this year because of some outmoded economic policies?
PM: Blue 24! Blue 24! Hut-hut!
TB: How long has Erik Love been under the table and why is he in your pants?
bal (-11) over CLE
whatever
7 alfredo // Nov 14, 2009 at 11:42 pm
$25 ARI
$25 dal
$25 den
$20 phi/atl/ARI
$10 GB/CAR/SD/PIT
$10 den/TEN/MIN
$25 det-MIN OVER 47
$25 tam-MIA UNDER 44
8 Eric // Nov 15, 2009 at 7:45 am
ATL over CAR
MIA over TB
MIN over DET
CIN over PIT
BUF over TEN
DEN over WAS
NO over STL — Big bet
NYJ over JAX
KC over OAK
SEA over ARI
GB over DAL
PHI over SD
NE over IND
BAL over CLE
Bob’s Bucks
NO $1865
9 helene // Nov 15, 2009 at 7:54 am
Jax ovr NYJ
Den over Was
Cin over Pit
Ten over Buf
det over min
no over stl
car over atl
mia over tam
oak over kc
sea over ari
sdo over phi
gb over dal
ne over ind
cle over bal
big bet : NO
Car/Jax/Cin $30
NO $50
Dal/GB over $20
10 quanimal // Nov 15, 2009 at 10:49 am
moneyline lottery $20: jags, bengals, bills, buccaneers, seahawks, browns
$200 den
$100 TEN
$50 jinx GB
$50 SDO-phi – under
$30 den/TEN/jax
$30 den/TEN/NYJ
$30 big favorites special MIN/no/bal
11 "LOU DOBBS NEW JOB" // Nov 15, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Speaking of heroes letting us down, Bob and Fredo:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/15/opinion/15bono.html
12 alfredo // Nov 15, 2009 at 6:05 pm
the i’ve been wrong all day special:
$200 IND