a very disappointing weekend for everyone except aaron rodgers. and here’s the problem with that. vegas has this thing on lockdown at this point. only me and helene are above .500 and barely at that. for anyone to think that they can go on a late season run and redeem themselves at this point is just fooling yourself. which is why i’ve always stuck to the maxim, bet early and bet hard, because after week 7 things get a lot harder. but you know what? that’s ok, because i’ve been very happy with this season. lots of good stories and compelling plotlines to follow and to continue following. i.e. the belichick 4th down call. i was able to watch it in person and it sent my head spinning. of course the sports media went nuts too, but you know what? i could talk about that one play for hours. football is the perfect sport. and for all you people who want to start chirping about the world cup or what not, you have fun in south africa watching euros flop, and i’ll stick to watch penis nose make flawless throws.
how do you like the dropped shadow frame? pretty soon, i’ll be a photoshop jedi. also, i forgot to take out 200 more bob bucks out of fredo’s account for the last minute indy bet he put in, which is another good gambling tip: don’t chase dumb money with more dumb money. anyways, these thursday games are killing me, so on with the picks. as always, numbers from caesars and home team in all caps. for some reasons, the moneylines are all off for caesar’s so we’ll have to get those from our good friends at the MGM grand.
CAR (-3) over mia, o/u – 42.5, panthers (-185) dolphins (+165)
i think people are gonig to find out this weekend is that ronnie brown is the engine that made the wildcat go. without him, the wildcat is sort of an obsolete vernacular….i’m going to leave now.
DET (-3.5) over cle, o/u – 38.5, lions (-180) browns (+160)
did you hear that they finally sold the old silverdome for less than 600K, or what matthew stafford makes in 1 game? so sad…that the buyer got ripped off so bad! suck it “erik”! but seriously, at what point do we just have barak obama send in the national guard to clear everyone out of the detroit and napalm the damn thing? i’ll tell you when, when the lions lose to one of the worst franchises of the last decade. come on lions, show me something here. the lives of “erik’s” parents depend on it.
JAX (-8.5) over buf, o/u – 42.5, jaguars (-400) bills (+300)
poor dick jauron. now unemployed like 10 percent of the rest of the country. this could be the last we see of dick, unlike “erik’s” sister. but seriously, will there ever be another prominent dick ever again? at what point did people who had kids named richard decide, “you know what, we’re going to go with rich or richie or even rick, but not dick”. also kinda like “erik’s” sister (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
pit (-10) over KC, o/u – 40, steelers (-550) chiefs (+375)
seriously, not enough has been made of matt cassel’s colossal failure in kansas city. i know that there are a lot of things wrong with the chiefs, but for a guy they traded a lot for and gave a monster contract, he’s looking a lot like what i like to call a JAG (just another guy). 5.7 YPA, and 10 tds to 6 ints. turns out that belichick is a genius after all.
ind (PK) over BAL, o/u – 44.5, colts (off) ravens (off)
it was my turn to have lunch with penis nose this week. we were both getting lap dances from these twins at the spearmint rhino when i asked “does it bother you that vegas is not giving you any kind of respect?” he answered “normally it would, but right now, i’m titty-effin this girl with my nose, so i guess things could be worse.” he then grabbed the hand of the twin that was giving me a lap dance and took them both to the VIP room. two hours later, i got a text message that read, “taking these two broads back to the hotel. do me a favor and take care of the tab. i promise i’ll get you back next week cuz i’m putting down 10K on the colts” i chuckled because it really reflected how i feel about peyton now. sure he’s probably still a jerk, but you gotta like the results. big bet.
NYG (-6) over atl, o/u – 46, giants (-300) falcons (+220)
i was going to tell a story about how the next night i went to the spearmint rhino with eli and basically the opposite of what happened the night before was what happened, but i kinda blew my wad on that last game capsule. also, i think he’ll right the ship this weekend.
GB (-6.5) over sfo, o/u – 42.5, packers (-300) niners (+220)
i still think the cowboys are a better team than the packers. i also think the cowboys are a better team than the niners, so i gotta go with the pack here.
MIN (-11) over sea, o/u – 46.5, vikings (-600) seahawks (+425)
i really hope i’m wrong here but is there any way that it’s not vikings/saints in the nfc championship game? brett favre is going to have a lot of fun all over the seahawks face.
was (+11) over DAL, o/u – 41.5, injuns (+400) cowboys (-600)
this line is just too high for a team with as many flaws as the cowboys have.
TAM (+11.5) over no, o/u – 51, buccaneers (+400) saints (-400)
please note that the only two dogs i’ve taken so far are 11+ point spreads. you can interpret that as me being an idiot or a genius.
ARI (-9) over stl, o/u – 47, cardinals (-420) rams (+340)
it’s kinda like when jesus came back to jerusalem on the original palm sunday and people welcomed him back with open arms. except instead of crucifying kurt, they’re gonna let him strafe the rams who gave it their best shot last week and won’t have much reason for continuing this week.
NE (-10) over nyj, o/u – 45, patriots (-650) jets (+475)
if i could do two big bets this would be it. belichick i’m sure, will feel compelled to show the world that he is still the world’s smartest human being by working out a bi-partisan compromise on health care that includes a public option and then secretly subbing himself in for kevin faulk on 4th downs and converting 6 of 7. seriously people, this is gonna get ugly. except for the fact that the two hottest quarterhunks will probably forgo the usual post game handshake with a full on makeout session on the fifty yard line, or as i’m gonna call it, the 50 HARD line.
8====|)~~~
cin (-9.5) over OAK, o/u – 36, bengals (-480) raiders (+360)
hey look, the raiders finally benched jamar….oh i don’t give a crap.
sdo (-2.5) over DEN, o/u – 44.5, chargers (off) broncos (off)
the line was the line if orton was playing which is doubtful as of today. but come on, is it going to make a difference? i kinda fear norv in this kind of big-game-for-the-upper-hand-in-the-division game, but i can’t in good conscience bet on chris simms.
phi (-3) over CHI, o/u – 45, eagles (-155) bears (+135)
ah, the battle of teams with insufferable fan bases. i could be talked into either team here, but the bears suck a lot worse than the eagles do.
ten (+4.5) over HOU, o/u – 48, titans (+190) texans (-230)
another grudge match of sorts. the titans returning to their old home, vince young returning to texas, davey crockett returning to the alamo…or something like that.
that’s right a-holes only 3 dogs. bobby the gook is in full retreat.
Name: Bob
10 responses so far ↓
1 quanimal // Nov 19, 2009 at 3:19 pm
this just in from eric:
I’m going to pick the next 2 weeks blind right now before seeing any spreads, since I’ll bet out of town the next 10 days where they don’t have the Interwebs. Thats right, I’ll be in North Dakota! Where one still must use an outhouse.
I believe I’m out of Bob’s bucks which is a shame since I love Cleveland Steamers.
If I forgot anything, let Erik pick for me. I’m sure my picks will be as poor as his…..
Week 11
—–
MIA over CAR
GB over SF — Big bet
TB over NO
PIT over KC
BAL over IND
NYG over ATL
JAX over BUF
DET over CLE (”Who cares? game”)
MIN over SEA
DAL over WAS
STL over ARI
NE over NYJ
OAK over CIN
SD over DEN
PHI over CHI
HOU over TEN
Week 12
DET over GB
DAL over OAK — Big bet
DEN over NYG
TB over ATL
PHI over WAS
CAR over NYJ
CIN over CLE
IND over HOU
MIA over BUF
STL over SEA
SD over KC
SF over JAX
TEN over ARI
MIN over CHI
PIT over BAL
NE over NO
2 "THE BAT MAN" // Nov 19, 2009 at 4:01 pm
there’s a bat in my house right now no time here’ smy pick
mia
3 quanimal // Nov 19, 2009 at 4:27 pm
fredo takes mia
4 helene // Nov 19, 2009 at 4:59 pm
panthers
5 helene // Nov 21, 2009 at 10:50 am
Det
Jax
Pit
Bal
Atl
GB
Min
Dal
NO
Ari
NE
SD
Phi (big bet)
Ten
Det $25
GB/NE $50
NO/Dal/Min $50
6 "THE BAT MAN" // Nov 21, 2009 at 11:04 am
So we had a fucking bat flapping around our house yesterday. Since I probably have rabies, this could very well be the last week that I ever pick football games. For that reason alone, I expect to get all of these completely and horribly wrong. Kind of like Belicheck when he’s not cheating. Horribly, completely wrong.
WEEK 11
mia (+3) over CAR
What a genius pick.
DET (-3.5) over cle
The Silverdome isn’t as sad a story as Tiger Stadium, but you’re right, what a disaster. Bob Herbert figured it out today. There’s only one thing Michigan has going for it: it’s not Ohio. Oh, and one more thing: we didn’t draft Brady Quinn. BIG BET
buf (+8.5) over JAX
Dick is also a sad story. Bob has sucked plenty of it in his time, and also there’s the Buffalo Bills coach. Former Detroit Lions coach. Now, unemployed like the rest of us. Nice work, Dick. In good news, your team is about to lose by less than 8.5 points.
pit (-10) over KC
In more shitty news, Pittsburgh is about to start taxing college students for what they pay on tuition. In other words, students at Carnegie Mellon would get to pay $40,000 per year to the university, and then $400 more to the city for the privilege of studying in Pittsburgh. Also, Matt Cassell makes about $300,000 per game. You do the math.
BAL (pk) over ind
Ray Lewis has a penis that looks like a nose. I’m going with Baltimore.
atl (+6) over NYG
I think we’ve been watching the Gints finally turn on that crotchety old man they have for a coach.
GB (-6.5) over sfo
Didn’t these two teams play each other already? Whatever, I’m sure Alex Smith will be playing football until he’s 40, after retiring and then unretiring. Mike Martz will be the Packers coach in 2023, and Smith will be the best quarterback he’s ever seen.
sea (+11) over MIN
Fuck Minnesota.
DAL (-11) over was
You want flaws? Show me the Redskins.
TAM (+11.5) over no
There are a lot of 11 point spreads this week.
ARI (-9) over stl
Kurt Warner is the fifth best QB Mike Martz has ever coached.
nyj (+10) over NE
Belicheck goes for it on 4th down every series just to prove his point. And he proves that the Eric, Bob, and all the other stats geeks are completely wrong. Punt the ball, Bill. Punt it to the sexy young QB.
OAK (+9.5) over cin
Child, please?
sdo (-2.5) over DEN
Fuck Denver.
phi (-3) over CHI
Full slate of games this week. This one might actually be fun to watch. Sadly, I’ll be in Philly on Sunday, so I expect to hear a lot of “YOU SUCK MCNABB” even as they’re winning by 3 touchdowns.
ten (+4.5) over HOU
God dammit Houston is a fucking enigma. I had lunch with Fredo this week, and he told me he is thoroughly befuddled by his cross-state rivals, the Texans. “Erik, I’m just thoroughly befuddled. Not partially. I am thoroughly. Befuddled. I mean, every time I look at Matt Schaub, I can’t tell if I’m looking at another Brett Favre or another Tony Romo. You know? And both of those guys kinda suck, but they’re also kinda great, right? I’ve jacked off to Owen Daniels TD celebrations. But then again, I’ve vomited at the very thought of a Texans playoff berth. I just don’t know, Erik.” With that, I was thoroughly disgusted, so I said, “This lunch is over.” And Fredo got stiffed with the check. Suck it, Fredo.
BOB’S BUCKS
$50 DET
$50 underdog special: nyj/was/stl/ten
7 alfredo // Nov 21, 2009 at 10:56 pm
DET (-3.5) over cle
Why?
JAX (-8.5) over buf
Dick Jauron is fucking “Erik’s” sister?
pit (-10) over KC
I had dinner with Matt Cassel this week, and damn what a bore. The dude is not sexy, not hot, and not a good quarterback. I walked out on him and made a mental note to go big bet against him…
ind (PK) over BAL
…I then texted Penisnose, convinced him to ditch Bob and the strippers and picked him up at the Rhino. We boosted a case of Natty Light from his shithead neighbor’s fiesta, outran some cops, and drove through Cassel’s front lawn. We ended up at Waffle House and enjoyed a couple of All Star Specials. Penisnose dusted his waffles with cocaine and told the waitress that it makes him a “beast in the sack.” He then tried to settle his gaze on me and said, “Man, you’re like my best friend, man…I…I…killed a hooker the other night.”
atl (+6) over NYG
Eli Manning and I went to Chuck E Cheese this afternoon. I was a little late and found Eli, beaten, bloody, and half passed out on the floor. I couldn’t make much sense of it, but before the paramedics arrived, Eli whispered, “They played…Pac Man on my…balls.” Chilling. So give me the Falcons and the points.
GB (-6.5) over sfo
Leave it to fucking Dallas to give this group of shitbags CPR last week.
MIN (-11) over sea
I bought Brett Favre lunch the other day and he explained his latest idea to exploit the game of American football for money. “Taint pads,” he said as he shoveled a load of freedom fries into his grizzled face. “I’ll market a taint pad and make a big deal about how it protects my taint during games.” I told him that was possibly the most senseless thing I heard all week. He chewed on his burger a bit and said, “I’ll just – you know (he pantomimed an uppercut) – start punching guys down there and then teams will have to buy them.” Brilliant.
DAL (-11) over was
I don’t care what the line is – everyone loves the points here, so you know Dallas will cover. Of course Dallas will lose outright later this season in Washington because that’s what they do.
TAM (+11.5) over no
I just think the NO’s are losing a little steam.
ARI (-9) over stl
Kurt Warner has been fucking my picks all season, so I am taking Arizona from here on out.
NE (-10) over nyj
There’s a good chance I end up on the disabled list before halftime with a groin injury. Brady AND Sanchez? HELLO!
cin (-9.5) over OAK
I can’t believe they televise this shit for you, Bob.
sdo (-2.5) over DEN
Chris Simms reminds me of cat piss.
phi (-3) over CHI
The Bears are about to fall off the face of football earth.
ten (+4.5) over HOU
Still, fuck Vince Young and his storyline.
8 alfredo // Nov 22, 2009 at 10:31 am
$25 MIN
$25 DAL
$25 pit
$25 ind
$20 cle-DET OVER
$20 sea/was/KC
$20 buf-JAX UNDER
$20 GB/JAX/NE
$5 DEN/OAK/stl/NYG/buf/nyj
9 quanimal // Nov 22, 2009 at 10:58 am
$200 ind
$200 NE
$100 phi
$100 JAX
$100 ind/NE/JAX
$100 ind/NE/JAX/phi
$20 ind/NE/JAX/phi/ARI/pit/MIN
10 alfredo // Nov 22, 2009 at 6:06 pm
gimme $10 on this underdog bullshit CHI