UPDATE: I think there’s something screwy with the table. If you notice any consistencies in your record let me know. I’ll get to it later this afternoon.
2ND UPDATE: I figured it out. Helene is only 10 games over 500, which means i take back all of the stuff i said below. we’re totally gonna catch her. revised table below.
well folks, i think it’s safe to say that this season is over. helene has a nearly insurmountable 20 game lead with 4 weeks left to go. as i mentioned in week 1, whenever women do this in an effort to show that this whole gambling thing is completely random, they always win. always. it’s just how life is. with 10 wins last week, including hitting her 3 team cat parlay, helene has showed us that the game has officially passed up by. in some sense, i’m discouraged since it’s been a few years since i’ve finished above 500. but in another sense, i am comforted, knowing that vegas has things so figured out when it comes to football. whatever the case, i salute you helene and your feline mascot based picking system which apparently is foolproof. well played my asian sister, well played. however, the season is not over and i won’t quit trying to get over the hump. i’ve had a bad few weeks and that’s because i’ve taken way too many road teams. i think there may be something to the theory that home teams rule in december. except for the cowboys in which case, you just suck.
in any case, it’s nut cutting time in the NFL and the playoff picture is mostly muddled as most of the wildcard spots are still up for grabs in both conferences. my picks this week feature many more home teams than the last two weeks and also a lot of fantasy jinxing as we enter the playoffs in fantasy football. lastly before we begin, i have to say, picking the browns moneyline on thursday night was a stroke of pure genius on my part. nothing like starting the weekend with 400 bob bucks burning a hole in my pocket. as always, numbers from caesars, and home team in caps.
IND (-7) over den, o/u – 44, colts (-330) broncos (+250)
penis nose penis nose penis nose.
MIN (-6.5) over cin, o/u – 43.5, vikings (-300) bengals (+220)
i want to believe in the bengals, but the best case scenario for them is a wildcard round win. after losing the game with a bunch of interceptions, brett favre will revert back to counting his money while AP scores a bunch of touchdowns.
nyj (-3) over TAM, o/u – 37, jets (-180) buccaneers (+160)
no idea on this one. maybe i was wrong about josh freeman because he sure does make a lot of bonehead plays. although i’m not thrilled at the prospect of wagering on kellen clemens on the road.
buf (pk) over KC, o/u – 37.5, bills (off) chiefs (off)
nothing like two teams playing out the string in december, heh? i should take the chiefs here, but they just stink.
gb (-3) over CHI, o/u – 41, packers (-175) bears (+155)
i lump the packers into the same category as the bengals. decent team, but can’t seriously contend for anything. let’s hope that there’s some snow in this game, because otherwise, this is blowout. big bet.
ATL (+10) over no, o/u – 50, falcons (+375) saints (-550)
no reason to take the falcons here. but i think with home field pretty much secured, the saints will put it into cruise control here. also fantasy jinx #1 – need big days from marques colston and pierre thomas.
BAL (-13.5) over det, o/u – 39.5, ravens (-800) lions (+550)
a quick tale of the tape:
muder rate per 100,000 population
detroit: 45.8, baltimore: 45.2 – tie
unemployment rate
detroit: 27.9%, baltimore: 10.6% – winner: detroit
corrupt mayors
detroit: kwame kilpatrick (real), baltimore: clarence royce (fictional) – winner: detroit
proximity to curtis granderson
detroit: 489.9 miles, baltimore: 172.6 miles – winner: detroit
starting qb this sunday
detroit: culpepper, baltimore: falcco – winner: nobody
mia (+2.5) over JAX, o/u – 44, dolphins (+120) jaguars (-140)
this is more of a matter of principle to me. the dolphins are just a better team. and since there’s not that much travel involved, i suspect that half of the half empty stadium in jacksonville will be rooting for the dolphins anyways.
car (+13.5) over NE, o/u – 44, panthers (+550) patriots (-800)
fantasy jinx #2, i have tom brady going and need him to shred the panthers.
HOU (-6.5) over sea, o/u – 44.5, texans (-270) seahawks (+210)
hey look, another crappy game.
TEN (-13) over stl, o/u – 41.5, titans (-800) rams (+550)
i’m starting to lose my will to watch football this weekend.
was (-1) over OAK, o/u – 37.5, redskins (off) raiders (off)
god, somebody just shoot me and put me out of my misery.
sdo (+3) over DAL, o/u – 48.5, chargers (+145) cowboys (-165)
finally, a decent game. except it’s not. dammit. half jinx, half i think the chargers are going to end up in the afc championship game.
NYG (-1) over phi, o/u – 44, giants (off) eagles (off)
back to the garage with the engine running.
ari (-3.5) over SFO, o/u – 44.5, cardinals (-200) niners (+170)
what a crappy slate of games. sorry that this post sucks, but i can’t get excited about anything this week.
Name: Bob
9 responses so far ↓
1 helene // Dec 12, 2009 at 8:34 am
Ind
Cin
Tam
Buf
Det
Jax
NE
Sea
Ten
Oak
SD (big bet)
Phi
Sfo
$100 NO
Cin/Jax/Det cat trio ($30)
2 quanimal // Dec 12, 2009 at 11:03 am
one more thing. “erik” you’re out of bob bucks and you’ve used up your marker. that bet you made was made out of your own credit and since you lost it, your fake bob bucks are no longer welcome here.
eric on the other hand, won with his 200 dollar marker and now has 400 dollars to play with. the 200 dollars is taken out at the end of the season.
3 alfredo // Dec 12, 2009 at 10:50 pm
IND (-7) over den
How in the hell is Penisnose going to get to this game on time? We have each consumed a case of Shiner Black Lager this evening, and Penisnose is taking the mic tonight. Fuck the imposter ponies, fuck Mobb Deep, and fuck that no-rhymin ass color orange. We do our job, motherfucker. No huddle till I die.
MIN (-6.5) over cin
Gotta respect Brett Favre and his money grabbin game. Mowin lawns cashin checks. Gimme Green and fuck the Bay.
TAM (+3) over nyj
Maybe it’s the coke talking, but this is a damn lock.
buf (pk) over KC
I could have smoked either of these teams in high school.
gb (-3) over CHI
Chicago is lost.
ATL (+10) over no
Home-doggin till 2010, motherfuckers.
det (+13.5) over BAL
For Erik and every other no-account loser deadbeat piece of horsefuck from the shittiest city in Canada: a 10-point loss to another waste of fuck city that America can’t give away. Congratulations, you degenerate, shiftless, empty iceberg of shit, you.
mia (+2.5) over JAX
Can’t argue with that shit, Bob.
NE (-13.5) over car
I need a huge game out of DeAngelo Williams, so look for a New England blowout.
HOU (-6.5) over sea
Football excitement.
TEN (-13) over stl
Football magic.
OAK (+1) over was
Money.
sdo (+3) over DAL
Fuck fuck fuck. Season is over. Big bet.
NYG (-1) over phi
More fuck.
ari (-3.5) over SFO
The only thing that beats the home dog is Jesus. I love you, Kurt Warner.
4 "I LOVED YOU, CURTIS GRANDERSON" // Dec 13, 2009 at 7:40 am
2009 is perhaps the most tragic year in Detroit history. Mayor convicted of sexting and corruption in a scandal that puckered the anuses of a nation. GM goes bankrupt. Chrysler goes bankrupt (again). Unemployment: officially 27%. The Red Wings lose Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. Allen Iverson. Ernie Harwell. Tigers give up the division on the last possible day, lose by one run in a one-game playoff. Curtis Granderson becomes a Yankee. The world champion Detroit Shock pack up and move to… Oklahoma City. And Erik Love somehow ends up in last place in this group of pick ‘em scalawags.
And so, when we most need friends, when we need the support of a nation, what do we Detroiters get instead? Dick and fart jokes. OK, fine. We’re used to it in Detroit. We’ll have to pick ourselves up. Dust ourselves off. And then go fuck everyone’s mother.
IND (-7) over den
Indianapolis is the Detroit of Indiana.
cin (+6.5) over MIN
Cincinasti is the Detroit of the southern Ohio.
TAM (+3) over nyj
Tampa Bay is the Detroit of old people.
KC (pk) over buf
Kansas City is the Detroit suburbs of Missouri or whatever state Kansas City is in.
gb (-3) over CHI
Green Bay is like a white, small, shitty Detroit.
no (-10) over ATL
Detroit and New Orleans both got shit on this decade. Atlanta is doing all right. Fuck you, Atlanta.
det (+13.5) over BAL
Why can’t Detroit get The Wire? Oh, wait, we did better.
mia (+2.5) over JAX
Miami is the Cuban Detroit.
car (+13.5) over NE
Carolina is the Detroit of the south. HUGE BET.
sea (+6.5) over HOU
The Emerald City? More like the Detroit of the northwest.
stl (+13) over TEN
St. Louis has a worse football team than Detroit.
was (-1) over OAK
Who else is sad that there was no episode of Bruthaz this week?
sdo (+3) over DAL
Let me tell you how much Jerry is going to one day sell Cowboys Stadium for: $250,000.
phi (+1) over NYG
Philly is the Detroit of major cities.
SFO (+3.5) over ari
Like Detroit, they built San Fransisco on rock and roll.
BOB’S BUCKS COMPLEX DERIVATIVES
Detroit Parlay: $20,000,000 det/no/atl/phi
Insurance on Detroit Parlay: This contract agreed to by BOB NGO and CURTIS GRANDERSON on behalf of GIVE ME MY MONEY, LTD, llc. This bilateral netting requires the payment of the zero-state capital, namely twenty million Bob’s Bucks, on the condition that the notional amount of over-the-counter results in gross positive fair value when the Detroit Lions, New Orleans Saints, Atlanta Falcons, and/or/and not Philadelphia Eagles fail to cover the point spreads in their tier 1 plus tier 2 capital credit defaults on December 13, 2009. FX Option disallowed, with a FFIEC statement of fiduciary responsibility, this contract is the exclusive and binding agreement between all parties and counterparties.
5 "Eric" // Dec 13, 2009 at 8:05 am
IND over DEN
CIN over MIN
TB over NYJ
KC over BUF
GB over CHI
NO over ATL
DET over BAL
MIA over JAX
NE over CAR
HOU over SEA
STL over TEN
OAK over WAS
SD over DAL
PHI over NYG
ARI over SF — Big Bet
$400 CIN
6 quanimal // Dec 13, 2009 at 10:16 am
$100 Road Warrior Special gb/mia/sd
7 quanimal // Dec 13, 2009 at 10:18 am
$50 Fantasy Reverse Jinx Special – ATL/car/IND
$50 Let ‘er Ride Special – gb/mia/sd/IND
8 quanimal // Dec 13, 2009 at 2:21 pm
from fredo:
300 sd
200 sd-dal over
9 quanimal // Dec 13, 2009 at 5:45 pm
14 for 14 going into the night games bitches. FOURTEEN FOR FOURTEEN!