in many ways, this final week of BTG mirrors the final week of the NFL. helene has all but locked up this years title. the only development is the clusterfuck that is the rest of us penis bearing chumps. 3 games separate 2nd place alfredo from last place eric. in even more surprising news, “erik” has managed to finally get out of the cellar.

the thing is, i’m actually not that upset that helene is going to win with her patented hometown/cat mascot super system of picking games.  i’m just really upset that i am going to finish below .500 for the second year in a row.  i’m officially terell owens, past my prime.  fredo has the excuse of kids and erik and eric have the excuse of living in pennsylvania.  i have no excuse other than….oh wait a minute, i totally kicked ass in bob bucks this year.  sports genius is intact.  on with the picks of the most meaningless games of the year.  as always, numbers from caesars and home team in caps.

BUF (-8) over ind, o/u – 33, bills (-400) colts (+400)
no implications for playoff seeing whatsoever, so penis nose experiments with acid this week and rides the pine as does all of indy’s starters. but that’s not why i’m taking the bills. i’m taking the bills because i’ve decided to use this last week to unveil my new system of picking nfl games. it’s similar to helene’s cat/hometown system. however, instead of cats, i always take teams whose mascots were also nicknames for fictional serial killers from jodie foster movies. peyton puts the lotion in the basket. put the fucking lotion in the basket penis nose!

CAR (-7) over no, o/u – 41, panthers (off) saints (off)
rule #2 of the new bob super system. always take teams in areas that could possibly be ravaged by hurricane. when both teams are located in hurricane country, take the team in the city where live sex acts are legal. which reminds me, it’s been way too long since i’ve been to the big easy.

CLE (-1) over jax, o/u – 35, browns (off) jaguars (off)
rule #3: always take teams whose mascot better describes the color of shit. the jagoffs need a lot of help to make the playoffs, yet curiously, there is no call by the media for jack del rio’s head.

phi (+3) over DAL, o/u – 47.5, eagles (+135) cowboys (-155)
time out on the super system for this game. jinx jinx jinx jinx jinx. let me go ahead and put out a prediction from the overreactor. if the cowboys win this game, they win the super bowl.

chi (-3) over DET, o/u – 44.5, bears (-170) lions (+150)
rule #4 is actually the same from the previous system. never take the lions.

HOU (-7) over ne, o/u – 46, texans (-330) patriots (+250)
rule #5: take the team with the qb’s gf/wife you’d rather have sex with. it’s a close call since giselle is hot and all, but matt schaub is dating erik’s sister and we all know what she’s pretty amazing in the sack.

MIA (+3) over pit, o/u – 45.5, dolphins (+155) steelers (-175)
see rule #2. you know, we really ought to be just betting the first half lines since any number of scenarios will eliminate either (and most likely both) of these teams by halftime.

nyg (+8.5) over MIN, o/u – 47.5, giants (+280) vikings (-360)
rule #6: when in doubt, eff brett favre.

NYJ (-9.5) over cin, o/u – 34, jets (-500) bengals (+350)
rule #7: take possible weapons used in major terrorist attacks over cats.

sfo (-7.5) over STL, o/u – 40.5, niners (-360) rams (+280)
rule #8: take the team whose city has a higher % of LGBT citizens. also, if the rams win this game and the lions lose, the lions actually win the tiebreaker for the #1 draft pick. the rams should do everything in their power to lose this game so that they have the right to draft donkeykong suh.  corallary to rule #8: make the team whose only win is against the lions your big bet.

TAM (+2.5) over atl, o/u – 41.5, buccaneers (+120) falcons (-140)
rule #9: take the city with better strip clubs. this is actually a close call. but i think mons venus beats the gold club. from wikipedia:

Furthermore, Mons Venus (like other Tampa strip clubs) permits its customers to touch and even fondle dancers, as long as there is no genital contact.

which reminds me, it’s been too long since i’ve been to trigga city.

ARI (-3.5) over gb, o/u – 44.5, cardinals (-140) packers (+120)
rule #10: take legitimate urban areas over backwater whitey cities. it should be noted that i hate picking this game because the cards level of effort could be dictated by the outcome of the early minnesota game.

kc (+10) over DEN, o/u – 38, chiefs (+350) broncos (-500)
rule #11: respect the native american mascot. no idea on this one.

OAK (+10) over bal, o/u – 38, raiders (+450) ravens (-650)
rule #12: take the team that has moved cities the most. the raiders have been a bit of a spoiler this season, so why not?

SDO (-3) over was, o/u – 39.5, chargers (-160) redskins (+140)
exception to rule #11: if said team is owned by a midget who is running a storied franchise into the ground…but seriously, teams whose coaches are about to be fired never do that well. and lastly, in the season finale of bruthaz:

jason campbell: man, i just don’t know about mike shanahan. i don’t know if i can work in his system.

obama: don’t worry jason, black qbs have always flourished in denver…oh wait a minute.

jason campbell: that’s what i’m talking about. you’re the president, isn’t there anything you can do?

obama: now come on jason, you know i can’t take advantage of my influence in this town.

jason campbell: sellout.

ten (-6) over SEA, o/u – 45, titans (-270) seahawks (+210)
rule #13: there are no rules. and we’ll put the system on trial.