The Ragin' Asian

well, well, well…what do we have here?  looks like there’s a new number 2 in town.  wow, this year could not have a more exciting finish, so many things hang in the balance in the crapshoot that is week 17 of the NFL season.  in the season standings, fredo and eric have pulled into a virtual tie, eric leading by the smallest of percentage points thanks to an early season push on the big bet.  both are completely within striking distance of the leader, yours truly.  now normally, i would be comfortable with a 5 game lead, but the wacky nature of this week’s game makes that lead very tenuous.  on the sub-500 side of the bracket, helene needs to go at least 11-6 to finish above the .500 mark.  and then there’s erik, who is close to completing the estrogen supplements to complete his transformation into a female.

in the bob bucks department, i made somewhat of a tactical mistake.  while overall i did well, i should have put more bob bucks down this week, because 1) i kicked ass in the picks this week if you didn’t notice and 2) now i have to bet the farm on a bunch of goofy games if i’m to have any chance at all to catch big e.  luckily eric broke even this week so there’s a slight chance i might be able to make it, but i can’t spread out my bets like i usually do.  i need to hit a big one.  helene, you are officially out of bob bucks, please pay up or i will send out goons to break riley’s kneecaps.

cats 2-2, birds 3-3.  the animal kingdom continues to tread water this year.  that’s all for now.  hallelujah, no thursday game this week.  picks up probably sometime on friday.

it’s christmas dammit.

det (+3.5) over MIA, 41.5, lions (+170) dolphins(-200)

was (+6.5) over JAX, 46, redskins (+250) jags (-330)

STL (-2.5) over sfo, 39.5, rams (-135) niners (+115)

TAM (-6.5) over sea, 44, bucs (-280) seahawks (+220)

ne (-7.5) over BUF, 44.5, pats (-400) bills (+300)

CHI (-2.5) over nyj, 35.5, bears (off) jets (off)

bal (-3.5) over CLE, 39.5, ravens (-200) browns (+170)

KC (-5) over ten, 42.5, chiefs (-230) titans (+180)

ind (-2.5) over OAK, 47, colts (-135) raiders (+115)

DEN (+2.5) over hou, 49, broncos (+120) texans (-140)

GB (-3) over nyg, 43, packers (-160) giants (+140)

sd (-7.5) over CIN, 44, chargers (-360) bengals (+280)

PHI (-14) over min, 39.5, eagles (off) vikins (off)

ATL (-2.5) over no, 49, falcons (-140) saints (+120)

$300 sd

$200 STL

$100 was ml

this is much harder to do on the netbook:

as we can all see, it was pretty much another week of sucking for me, but unfortunately fredo is not able to take advantage and remains in ever so close second place.  meanwhile both eric and helene register a strong week. eric is definitely in the mix for the regular season title and he’s pretty much clinched the bob bucks round.  helene could be a dark horse for second or third place but she would need to have a ridiculous last two weeks.  and then there’s erik.  i believe the emoticon is

cat teams were frisky this week with the bengals, panthers, and the lions covering.  however, only the jags managed to not claw their way to feline dominance.  birds were 3-2, and apparently underdogs didn’t do so well this week.  but whatevs.  here are your early games.

car (+14.5) over PIT, 37, panthers (off) steelers (off)
i guess it was pretty smart of jimmy clausen to finally show up last week seeing as how if the panthers get the #1 pick, they’d almost certainly take andrew luck, his replacement.  if i were a panthers fan, i’d be pretty hacked off at mr. clausen right now.  i don’t think he keeps it going here, but everyone’s mind will be on christmas and the steelers will win by 13 points, and not 14.

ARI (+6.5) over dal, 45, cards (+220) cowboys (-300)
last week really drove home the point that we should know better than to trust this cowboys team to cover big point spreads.

UPDATE  12/18/10 5:20: the green bay and minnesota lines are in and are at the bottom of the post.

KC (+1) over stl, 43.5, chiefs (off) rams (off)
ugh. cassel is a game day decision, and that means one of my fantasy teams starring dwayne bowe is a game time decision.

hou (+1.5) over TEN, 47.5, texans (off) titans (off)
i could have sworn at the beginning of this season that both of these teams were supposed to contend for a playoff spot. in other news, jeff fisher keeps getting fatter.

jax (+5) over IND, 48.5, colts (-240) jags (+190)
this just isn’t the colts year and a certain penis nose qb probably knows this. i hate betting against peyton as much as anyone, but the jags seemed to have figured a few things out on offense, specifically, feed the rock to MJD.

ari (+2.5) over CAR, 38, cards (+125) panthers (-145)
boooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

cle (+1) over CIN, 40, browns (off) bengals (off)
boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

MIA (-5.5) over buf, 40, dolphins (-240) bills (+190)
seriously, eff this league.

phi (+2.5) over NYG, 46, eagles (+130) giants (-150)
i don’t think these teams are as evenly matched as vegas seems to think.

DAL (-7) over was, 46, cowboys (-330) skins (+220)
bruthaz got cancelled by the CW this week.  this week on the very last ever bruthaz:

barak comes home and checks the mail on the counter and calls out

barak: donnie?

barak looks around and notices that it’s extremely quiet in the apartment. then he looks down at the breakfast nook table and notices that the washington post sports page is open to a story that says that rex grossman is starting this week in dallas this week instead of obama. obama’s face becomes instantly worried. he rushes into donavan’s room and finds it perfectly clean: bed made, office chair pushed in under the computer desk, and shoes neatly lined up against the wall, and no sign of donavan. he then notices that the floor is wet. he follows the water stain to the bathroom door where he can hear the bathtub running. he knocks on the door.

barak: donavan…listen man, this isn’t your fault. shanahan and snyder already hate each other. this has nothing to do with you. you know you’re better than rex fucking grossman.

no answer. barak knocks harder but still no answer. finally, he backs up and slams his body against the door, breaking the latch. his momentum carries him into the bathroom floor where he immediately slips and falls hitting his head on the toilet. he is woozy and can feel the blood rush to his head. he manages to raise himself up where he finally sees donavan’s limp naked body in a water, hued pink by the blood trailing out of donavan’s slit wrists. donavan, barely hanging onto consciousness, sees barak and whispers barely audibly.

donavan: why don’t they like me? i don’t know what i have to do.

barak jumps in the tub with donavan and holds donavan’s head close to his chest. he looks up at the ceiling, tears streaming down his face.

barak: no. nooooooo! noooooooooooooooo!

he steadies his head and gives donavan one last kiss on the lips.

barak: goodbye donavan. goodbye…my brutha.

TAM (-5) over det, 43.5, bucs (-240) lions (+190)
hey great win lions! sure it took aaron rogers breaking his brain to pull it off, but hey, a win is a win right? i’d love to take you this week, but you’re on the road, but still, great win!

no (+1.5) over BAL, 43.5, saints (off) ravens (off)
i don’t know why so many of the moneylines are off. is there something that goes on friday night that makes it this way? gambling sure is complicated sometimes.

atl (-6.5) over SEA, 45.5, falcons (-260) seahawks (+210)
atlanta has been pretty good to me so far. let’s ride this momentum to victory over fredo. big bet.

PIT (-6) over nyj, 35.5, steelers (-240) jets (+200)
this seems like it could be upset material here, but sanchez is just playing sooooo bad. how can i take him against any halfway decent defense?

OAK (-7) over den, 43.5, raiders (-330) broncos (+250)
i may have used this joke before, but this year is indisputable proof that god hates tim tebow. because he’s gay.

ummm….the sunday night game and the monday night game are off the board for some reason….probably because of rogers and whatever the vikes are going to roll out at qb, so you’ll have to check back later for those lines. like i said, sometimes gambling is complicated. sorry!

update – last two games:

NE (-14) over gb, 43.5, pats (off) packers (off)
matt flynn….um, no thanks. although, you know what would be awesome?  if somehow brett favre could orchestrate a trade to green bay before monday night and then start the game and start his stupid streak all over again.

chi (-7.5) over MIN, 33, bears (-360) vikings (+280)
the vikings playing a home game outside.  it’s actually how it should be.  thank god brett favre isn’t playing because if he were, the vikes would be favored by 100 points.

(sorry fred. that’s as close as i could get to maroon. hunnamanoo.)

blammo.  and just like that it’s a whole new ball game.  fredo improbably has come back to tie me and even eric is within striking distance.  even helene can finish the year close to .500 pending the play of cat based teams.  however, luckily for me in week 1, my big bet was a push so based on percentage points, i have the slimmest of leads.  but let’s take a moment to appreciate the 12-5 week that fredo had and the 10-7 week that eric had.  erik on the other hand continues to wallow in the nether-regions of the football betting gods smelling like onions from all the ball sweat that accumulates there when the football betting gods spend a half hour on the elliptical machine.  cat teams went 1-3 but it should be noted that helene actually nailed all of her cat bets wisely picking against the bengals, the panthers, and the lions.  what gives helene?  gabe and riley (her cats if you couldn’t figure that out) called me on tuesday night and told me to ask her “et tu brute?”  birds only went 2-3 however.  eric could have done a little better had he not been the only one to bet against the patriots.  we all seemingly believe in the falcons, but got screwed by the jets and the broncos.  in the bob bucks world, pretty terrible day by all of us save for 1 three team parlay that i managed to hit offsetting the rest of my shitty bob bucks bet.  as you can see i’m about 250 bones behind eric so i’m going to have to make a move soon if i am going to catch him there.  expect some wacky bob bucks action in the next three weeks.  anyways, let’s go ahead and get the thursday night game out of the way

SD (-9.5) over sfo, 44.5, chargers (-500) niners (+350)
seriously, aren’t quarterbacks like alex smith the equivalent of welfare queens?  just sucking up money and not contributing anything to society.  how come rush limbaugh doesn’t get pissed off about that?  i don’t know how the niners ended up winning last night as smith threw for 3 tds.  but that was against a soft seattle defense.  and i think it’s probably asking a bit much of someone of alex smith’s caliber to play as well against a much better defense.

JAX (-4) over oak, 42.5, jags (-220) raiders (+180)
maybe i’m wrong. maybe jack del rio is a fantastic coach that extracts the most out of his players. or maybe MJD is just really that good that he basically carries a crappy team all by his damn self. i’ll let you make the call.

cin (+8.5) over PIT, 39.5, bengals (+300) steelers (-400)
am i trying to lose? just seems right. division game, injuries for the steelers, all that jazz.

ne (-3) over CHI, 38, pats (-155) bears (+135)
everything points towards this being a letdown for the pats after an emotional win, but the way belichick just rubbed his ass in rex ryan’s face made me think that the pats might be in eff you mode and are going to tear through the rest of the season. but all the same, stay away.

cle (+1) over BUF, 39, browns (off) bills (off)
do you see how vegas tempts you with the thought that the bills have to pull one off against one of these bad teams? but is cleveland bad? i know delhomme is back there, but maybe we all got a little too excited about the bills in the early part of the season.

nyg (-3) over MIN, 43, giants (-160) vikings (+160)
shouldn’t we be criticizing brett favre for letting his start streak take precedence over the good of the team. does the streak mean anything if your team was really really bad with you and then kinda great when you left with an injury and were replaced by tarvaris jackson?

gb (-6.5) over DET, 46.5, packers (-300) lions (+220)
i’m just not sure that the lions quite know how to win these kinds of late season games against a tough opponent. i’m also not sure that erik might have some kind of magical powers that cause all sports teams that he roots for to suck ass.

atl (-7) over CAR, 42, falcons (-330) panthers (+250)
the panthers are in tank mode for the first round draft pick. which means that there’s a little pressure on clausen to not completely suck so that the panthers don’t take andrew luck with that first pick. pressure + clausen = fail.

WAS (-1.5) over tam, 41, skins (off) bucs (off)
this week on the bruthaz

obama: man, shanahan finally nutted up and cut loose haynesworth for the season, you must be relieved to get rid of such a locker room cancer.

d-mac: well, compared to TO, haynesworth was joan of fucking arc in our locker room. getting rid of him doesn’t make our offense any better barack.

obama: yeah, but a positive attitude can make such a difference you know? just look at what my presidential campaign did for america, i gave it hope and look at us now.

d-mac: ummm….do you think those people were hoping for you to extend tax cuts for the rich in a time when our deficit is running higher than miley cyrus in amsterdam?

obama: <cold silence>

NO (-9) over stl, 47, saints (-450) rams (+325)
i wonder if the saints are going to end up like the 99 rams. one year of crazy offense and a super bowl followed by never quite being able to relive the magic.

sea (+5) over SFO, 42, seahawks (+190 )niners (-240)
the guys at football outsiders says that there’s a 21% chance that the NFC west winner will have a .500 record or less. isn’t parity awesome? HOLY SHIT, i just read that the niners are starting alex smith. i’m done defending singletary. you can’t tell but i just changed my pick based on this new info.

NYJ (-5.5) over mia, 39.5, jets (-240) dolphins (+190)
who would you rather have as your QB? alex smith, derek anderson, chad henne, or drew stanton? the obvious answer is drew stanton, who has played exactly 1 game and change in his NFL career. that’s how bad quarterbacking is in the NFL today.

den (-4.5) over ARI, 42, broncos (-200) cardinals (+170)
OMG i can’t put enough money on this game. big fat hairy ballsack bet.

SD (-7.5) over kc, 46.5, chargers (-290) chiefs (+245)
the line on this is actually off as it looks like the chiefs are going to have to roll with brodie croyle due to matt cassell’s exploding appendix. but for a division game against a decent running game, i think this line sounds about right.

DAL (+3.5) over phi, 51, cowboys (+175) eagles (-210)
my roommate does this hilarious thing whenever the eagles are playing…he sings the words “michael vick, dogfighter!” to a real catchy tune, like it’s a great superhero or something….pretty funny.

HOU (+3) over bal, 46, texans (+130) ravens (-130)
like i said before, it’s like i’m trying to lose.